When we are in relationships, it’s very easy for us to look at our partners and point out everything that is wrong with them. But if we are honest with ourselves we all bring a little bit of drama and issues to our relationships. In this two part series we’ve been asking a few questions to do some soul searching about our role in relationships. Now the truth is we’ve all been in relationships that we weren’t ready for. Sometimes it takes a bad relationship to show us who we really are. But if you already know that your a mess, bring drama or really have issues you shouldn’t keep bringing it to your relationships. Because one of these day you may mess up a good thing or further damage yourself. So, lets continue from last week.
6. Are you too independent? This is a new age phenomenon. And I’m sure a few ladies are gonna disagree with me and a few men will love me after I say this. If you want to be in a relationship independence is not an option. Now hear me out. I’m not saying let’s go back into the 1920’s but your can’t be in a relation and be independent. You have to be interdependent. Build together but don’t lose sight of who you are and don’t put all your chips on the table if you feel unsure. But when you make up your mind to be with this person you have to be willing to let go of that “I can do it all alone, I don’t need you, I’m building MY empire” mindset. cause eventually that other person will leave you to do it all alone. And take my advice being independent is not all its cracked up to be.
7. Are you too dependent? Now here is the flip side to that. Be a man or a woman. Stand your ground, have your own opinions and goals. Whatever you do do not be too dependent. First off, if I can be honest, its annoying. Have you ever seen a clingy, no backbone, lost person. It is in not way flattering. Secondly, it is super important to be self efficient. You should be able to live a purposeful and productive life without your partner. They are not your savior, you do not NEED them but the truth is your better with them. People who get too dependent in relationships tend to stay in situation that are terrible for them because they cannot see themselves living without that person.
8. Can you speak up? Now if I can be honest, I struggle with this, mostly at the beginning of a new relationship. I usually know exactly what I want and can be very militant when I am dealing with myself. I found out the hard way though that it can come across as harsh. So I have this fear at the start of relationships that since I am still working on not being abrasive that I find myself not speaking up at all sometimes. This is a terrible habit to have, especially in the start of relationships. You need to be heard. If you find yourself in a relationship where you can’t speak up or are not given the opportunity or respect to speak up you really really need to consider whether you should be there or not. You are a half of this partnership and should be able to articulate how you feel.
9. Are you happy with yourself and your life? Disney and all those other fairy tales have done us all, particularly females, a great disservice. They make us feel like we need to be in some type of relationship to reach our happily ever after. When if we are real, a substantial amount of African American Women will never get married. There in lies a problem, if you are living a life where a relationship or marriage is the destination to your life and the point where all is well what happens if you never get there. Now I’m not saying live as if you are never going to get married but what I am saying is live and be happy with your life. Do the things that you like, be the person that you want to be. Plus, if you do this your much more likely to find someone while you are living the life you want to as oppose to what will attract a man.
10. Are you yourself? Last but no least. Are you yourself? It’s so easy to pretend and try to be perfect for someone. It so easy to only show and give people the good parts of yourself. But Love is not about that. Actually in my opinion love is the exact opposite. Love is about giving someone the darkest parts of yourself when they’ve proven worthy and allowing them to work with you in caring and brightening to those place. I would think that loving someone perfect would be easy. But it take grit to love someones imperfections. In the end if you are not being who you really are good and bad you are missing out on letting someone love the entirety of you. Scars included.
That’s it for now. Hope that this helped someone. While I was writing a few of these I was thinking of a few things I need to change in myself person for the sake of both romantic and non romantic relationships. Feel free to comment or like this post.