I’ve seen it countless times (and have done it myself). You’re talking, exclusive, dating, messing around, dating or engaged with someone who you have apprehensions about. You may or may not understand why but instead of doing some soul searching you stay in the relationship. Then the next thing you know months or even years have gone past and things are not good. I’ll admit to it first, I’ve done it before. I knew from the beginning what the issues would be but decided to overlook them for the special moments that we had. A few months later I noticed that my apprehensions did not go away instead they grew stronger. I realized that even though we had great moments I could not enjoy them because I knew that our days were numbered. So there I was letting months go by because I enjoyed the company, liked late nights on the phone and honestly got comfortable. Let me say it now, it is not worth it! I fortunately did not have to learn the hard way because I had so many great friends who shared their experiences with me and I decided to heed their advice. But ladies and gents, everyone is not that lucky. There are many people, who we all know or are, who end up heart broken, changing the course of their lives or worst off marrying those people. After a conversation with a close friend yesterday I decided I’d write about a few ways to soul search while you are in a relationship. Remember, just because you are not officially boyfriend and girlfriend does not mean that you are not in a relationship with someone. Your emotions and/or sexuality are still very much involved. Take a breath and be honest with yourself because by the end of this article you may have to face the truth.
1) Is the person bringing you closer to your goals? “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” If we listened to the answer to that questions relationships would be much easier. If you want to live it up forever, partying, drugs, the Hollywood life and your partner is strictly books and education, wants to lead a more simple life that is an issue. It’s like you’re walking hand in hand with two different destinations. You want to go to Hollywood and he wants to go to suburbia. At some point you will have to separate or someone will have to compromise which can led to resentment.
2) Could you live forever with your partner just as they are now? Females are especially good for this one. Creating and falling in love with an idea of what a person can be as opposed to the person in front of them. Take a moment and sober your thoughts? Forget what you want them to be and who they say they will be for you. Who are they now? That is what matters. Don’t marry or stay with someone because of who you want them to be, it’s not fair to them or you.
3) Are you scared of lonely? We do this a lot. We don’t want to be alone so we end up with anyone that isn’t half bad. Be honest with yourself and if the answer is Yes the next question should be…
4) Is there a deeper issue you’re running from? Majority of the time not wanting to be alone is a red flag that there is an issue, reality or hurt that we don’t want to deal with. Unfortunately medicating with a partner will not end well. They will never be enough to fix your problem so in the end someone is going to be hurt and your issue will have grown.
5) Are you compromising?I have loved a man that I once could not see my future without. Then one day I had a moment. I was doing a lot of accommodating and compromising within myself that he was not even aware. I asked myself if he was not on your radar would you have made the same decision. I felt like I was compromising my full potential to be with him because he was “my future”. To say the least this is not healthy. Also with compromise ask your self is this what I really want and deserve or am I accepting less. Talk to your partner to see if they are willing to step it up if not you may need to step out.
I have a five more questions that your should ask yourself but I’ll leave you all to simmer on these for now. Remember be honest with yourself. You need to be able to love, care and make adult decision before you can ever really have a healthy relationship. Stay true to yourselves!